


11 years

by Tommbombadill



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Broken Promises, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Multi, My First Fanfic, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:17:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tommbombadill/pseuds/Tommbombadill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Bye Fee! I’m gonna visit all the time, I promise, I pinky-swear!”</p><p>A gap-toothed, mop-headed, 6 year old Kili yells out, tugging against his mother’s iron<br/>grip, a sob bubbles out of him as he’s pulled in the direction toward his packed up car. His mom swoops him up and shackles him into the back seat. Snot dripping down his reddening face as they pull away, pulling him away from his best friend. Through the open window he hears a soft, shaky, </p><p>“Bye Kee.. bye,” leaving behind his golden best friend- his whole world. “Bye Kee.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic! hope you enjoy!

_“Bye Fee! I’m gonna visit all the time, I promise, I pinky-swear!” A gap-toothed, mop-headed, 6 year old Kili yells out, tugging against his mother’s iron grip, a sob bubbles out of him as he’s pulled in the direction toward his packed up car. His mom swoops him up and shackles him into the back seat. Snot dripping down his reddening face as they pull away, pulling him away from his best friend. Through the open window he hears a soft, shaky, “Bye Kee.. bye,” leaving behind his golden best friend- his whole world. “Bye Kee.”_

* * *

 

His mom said he’d visit, that they’re only a few towns away, but it’s been 11 years. Kili has no idea why he woke up with that memory, thought he tucked it away, far back in his mind where it could no longer pull his chest apart like a stifled, violent sob.

“Great. A great welcome back.”

It’s been 11 years. He’s 17 now, and for some reason, after uprooting him, breaking his heart, planting him in a new town, forcing him to make new friends, his mom decided to then **again** uproot him and move back home. But the thing is, it’s not home, not anymore. It was, it used to be but it was torn away from him. He was torn away from it, from him.

Kili understands that there’s no logical reason for his feeling Fili has forgotten him, but now he’s back, last year of high school, and they grew up separately. He can’t shake the feeling deep inside him that Fee isn’t going to be home for him anymore, that he might not even be a friend. A loud banging accompanied by a reckoning scream pulled him from his memorial, “KILLIAN. EITHER GET DOWNSTAIRS OR I’M COMING UP AND DRAGGING YOU DOWN HERE! YOU’RE ON COURSE FOR BEING LATE ON YOUR FIRST DAY!”

She’s a little woman, Kili’s mom, but gods is she dynamite packed.

“coMING MA!” Kili intended to yell, but instead, due to his pulling a shirt over his head, it came out as more of a mumbled gargle. Pulling pants on, and grabbing a pair of sneakers on his way out the door, Kili headed downstairs.

“Oh Kili, I was just trying to motivate you a little,” Dis laughed as her sleepy-eyed boy walks into the kitchen, “you’ve got a bit of time to spare, dear. I know how you like to sleep in.”

“That’s alright ma, nothing like a heart attack to get the sleeping blood pumping” Kili went to sit at the table without grace, and plopped into a chair. Leaning over to pull his socks on, then his shoes, he looked up and caught his mom’s gaze,

“Kee, you seem worried. I know that brow furrow. Your father had the same one.”

“Well, yea,” He began sheepishly, not wanting to seem to childish, but it’s his mom after all, so he continued, “It’s just that it’s been a while now, just feel out of place here, like I used to fit comfortably but something changed and it’s not a welcoming hold. Kinda unsettled.”

His mom walked over and hugged him, held him how she used to when he would cry at night as a little one, with some difficulty due to his being an uncharacteristically tall boy for his family. _He’s gotta be at least 6 feet by now_ Dis mentally noted.

That was all it took, just his loving mother’s reassuring touch to get him settled to head out. “Thanks ma, I’m off I suppose, really don’t want to be late” He shrugged, pulled on his backpack and headed toward the front door, “I’ll er..text you if anything happens, or something. Love ya.” and he was out the door. 

 

* * *

 

As he approached the high school, Kili was stricken with a weird, confusing combination of nostalgia, for seeing this building on his playdates with Fee, walking by and pretending what it'd be like when they were both older and ruling the school grounds together, and with a feeling of loss, for that alternate future, for that never-fulfilled dream.

As well as a feeling of displacement, in his other school, Blue Mountain High, people wore whatever they wanted, kind of a judgment free zone. You could come to school in pajamas for all you cared, and no one said anything of it. Gimli, his pal from there, and he used to do that often. Usually after spending the night at one or the other's house the night before, and forgetting to pack extra clothes. It was an easy place to grow up, even with the gilded hole in his heart, that too grew in size as he did. 

And here he was, misplaced.

There was a slight uniform at Erebor High School. Everyone was in slacks and what could've been starched shirts, loafers and just a real general air of class. Kili didn't remember this pretension, not at all. Lucky for him that morning, he had no clue there was a uniform, his mom just preferred him to look nice on the first day, the pants he pulled on were slacks, and his shirt was wrinkled but not a completely heinous button down. He pushed his sleeves up, ran his fingers through his really annoying, unruly hair, and continued forward to the doors. 

It wasn't even a second after he made that choice, that he saw Fili. It was like all the air in the world suddenly was forced down into his lungs and then denied to him all at the same time. This was his Fillip, his Fee.. 11 years later and he still had enchanting gold hair, flopped neatly on top of of his head in a pile of curls, and his striking blue eyes. His jaw was strong, as was his brow line and nose. Like he was chiseled or something. _Goddamn,_  Kili recognized him instantly, as if there were still tears streaking down his face and snot bubbling out his nose. With or without that snot, Fili was the same. Apparently he didn't return the recognition, as his attention was brought back to the group in front on him, pulled once more away from Kili. 

"Excuse me? HELLO?"

Kili shook his head out of the cold fog instilled in him from Fili's cold gaze, and turned to face the source of whatever was making the noise that pulled him out of comatose. 

"Hi! Are you new here? I'm Tauriel Oropherion, I'm guessing you  _are_ new because your outfit screams "unprepared". I'm a senior, and THIS, " the passionate red-head gestured toward a blond boy with a sleek cropped haircut, "is Legolas, my cousin, also a senior. What's your name?"

"Hey, sorry, I'm Killian Durin, Kili, I'm a senior too, just transferred in from Blue Mountain, but I did grow up here."

"Amazing! That's so amazing, and lucky too, to finish your school in the place you started it!" She went on, "Legolas and I moved here two years ago from Greenwood." 

"It's really nice to meet you Tauriel, you too Legolas, really. I wasn't sure who I'd know or if I'd make any friends today.." 

"Worry no more. Oh and just so you know, I don't know how much you are already aware of the schedule here, but since it's such a small school and there are only so many seniors, we're all in the same classes. At least the first part of the alphabet, A-O, P-Z." She smiled, although Kili usually doesn't like attention or loudness, there was something endearing about her being so extroverted. She grabbed his arm and pulled him forward, Legolas also in tow, and the three of them walked into the building. He threw a look toward where Fili had been sitting, but it was empty. Everyone was apparently on their way inside. 

_A-O. Fili Oakenshield. That meant Fili was in his classes, when he heard his name, surely Fili would remember him. Right?_

 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!!

During the school year, Fili usually wakes up to his Uncle Thorin banging on the door to his bedroom, reminding him that he does, in fact, have to go to school. However, with summer just ending, he's really not used to being awake earlier than noon, 11:30 on a good day. So when the inevitable thundering starts, Fili nearly has a heart attack, falling right off the bed after lurching into the air from fright.

"Shit." he muttered after hitting his head on the edge of the bed, hopefully it won't bruise. He pulls a calloused hand over his face, trying to forcibly rub the weariness from his eyes.

Senior year, it's finally senior year.

Today feels different, though. So different than all the other first days.

Fili can't remember his dream from last night, but a feeling of grief is stuck on him. Like his heart was emptied, like the day Kee left. Like the all the days following, of waiting for him to call, to visit, to hold his promise. The grief of losing him after he swore to never abandon him, all surged in Fili's chest.

11 years had passed, he had long stopped hoping Kee would ever contact him, had his heart broken too many times by blurry gap-toothed smiles passing by in crowds, by raven hair streaking by his vision. Fili was grown now, and Kili was hardly a memory.

It's been years since Fili felt this hollow.

He'd done everything he could to get his mind right, started playing football, working out, getting an internship at Thorin's legal practice. Anything to keep him from being home, alone, reminding him of what he lost. And if he's being honest, it was 11 years ago, they were inseparable for 6 years, but Fili really thought Kili's hold on him would lessen. Useless wishing.

Fili got up from his nest of pulled-down blankets from where he fell, and got ready for school. Since he worked in a professional environment, he was really thankful for the school uniform, so he didn't have to change before work. He pulled on slacks and brown loafers, tucked in and buttoned up a starched light blue shirt, cuffed and pushed up the sleeves. Grabbed his backpack from the chair by his desk and headed to the bathroom.

Shit.

He must've had a terrible dream last night because his hair was a mess. A real mess, a mess that paid homage to a bird's nest, all rumpled and haphazard. He raked his hands through it a few times, until it sat docile on his head, brushed his teeth and all that, then went downstairs.

"Good morning Fillip," Thorin said without glancing up from the paper, his coffee on the table in front of him, briefcase on the ground by his feet, "rough night?"

He never misses anything, "Uh, yea I guess. Woke up all shaky and haunted. It really looks that bad..?" Fili braced himself for critique, Thorin only called him Fillip when he was upset by something.

"Not at all, unnoticeable to the untrained eye," He looked up, "I, however, have keen eyes. Was it Kili again?"

Fili hung his head. Thorin didn't approve of his heartache, his ancient and dreadful heartache. 

"It's your senior year Fee, a lot will change, a lot has already changed. Perhaps this entanglement with the past will as well." With that said, he stood and folded up the paper, tucked it under his arm and continued, "Now let's get going, I'm headed to the office, I'll drop you at school along the way."

* * *

 

Fili stands on the curb, watching Thorin drive away. He's 17, has a license and a car, is fully capable of driving himself to school. Under Thorin's stoic mask is a heart, soft and loving, because he unfailingly drives Fili to school and picks him up on the first day, regardless of the necessity for him to do so. Fili doesn't complain, he finds it endearing. 

"Fili, hEY FILI!"

He turns just in time to be hit by a wall of guys, his two best friends. 

He hardly gets fully through, "Hey guys! how've you been? How was your summers?" before Aragorn answers, 

"Great man! me and the 'rents went up north and spent the whole time hiking and shit. Even got to talk to the recruitment officer at Ranger Academy!"

"Right on, Ar!" They chime in. The three of them pull their collective way over to the usual spot in the morning, a bench right by the main stairs, they've hung out there before the main bell since freshman year. 

"I spent most of the summer at the Took's place, babysitting Pippin and Merry, they're getting big, dude, real big. Doesn't hurt that I made mad bank too." Boromir babysat for this family since he was 11, and the kids were 2, this was his last summer. Though he won't admit it, he's heartbroken to leave them when he goes to university next year. "What about you Fee, what did ya do?" 

"Just worked at Thorin's practice, got a real foot in the door at The Academy, pre-law. Thorin couldn't be more excited, practically offered me a seat..." Wherever he was going with that sentence he forgot. Immediately. His mouth just hung open.

Aragorn and Boromir failed to notice and continued talking about not only the thought of going away to school next year, but how their season this year is going to be amazing. Something about easy competition and a lessoning in the talent in the other schools' teams. Fili didn't really hear it. He shut his mouth and looks right into the past. 

His hair is longer. 

Tangled as anything and his shirt is wrinkled. 11 years have passed, but besides his ridiculous height, nothing has changed. His nose is still perfectly balanced between his defined cheekbones. His brow furrowed as his dark brown eyes scan the crowd, looking for something...

oh..OH

 _He's looking for me_. Fili realizes.

Something in him responds to the observation and shifts, shuts down. Fili distances his gaze, feigns the look of catching a stranger's eye in a crowd. He sees Kili's eyes widen with recognition and then fall when he doesn't smile. When he looks away, back toward Aragorn and Boromir. 11 Years of nothing, then here he is.

Thorin always told him that "you'll get over him, you'll forget him." and now he has, exactly at the moment he'd dreamed of. Kili left him. Kili left Fee, a person he wasn't anymore. Looking at him now, looking at his best friend, his home, he feels angry. Suddenly the years of abandonment have a face, are valid. _He left me_. Fili thinks.. heart hardening with the thought, instead of breaking like it usually does.  

Fili sees Tauriel and Legolas approach Kili, and he's relieved. He and his friends don't particularly like the cousins, so if Kee...Kili.. hangs out with them, fili'll hardly have to deal with him. Won't draw any attention by avoiding him. 

 _Oh fuck._ A new realization brews in him,

 _A-O._ _He'll be in the same classes as Kili. All year._


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some more back and forth, hints at the future chapters

As the three arrived in their homeroom, Kili tried to follow along with what Tauriel was talking about, but he couldn't focus. By some strange happening, they were in the same homeroom. Kili guessed that homeroom wasn't alphabetical, otherwise he'd be with the D's. That also meant there was a chance Fili would be in here, and that thought sent him reeling. 

"Kili, hey you space a lot, are you okay?" Legolas nudged him, and waited for his answer.

"Huh, what? Sorry, I'm just..overwhelmed... hey, how does homeroom work, why are we in the same one when we're practically opposite sides of the alphabet?" It's not that Kili didn't trust Legolas and Tauriel with the whole Fili thing, He was sure they'd understand, but they also did just meet, not 15 minutes before. He didn't want to come off as the unstable new kid, even if he was. 

Tauriel had an answer before Kili finished his thought, "Oh that's easy, we're the O's, cut off from the first and second halves, you're new so you were put into the least-filled, last room, and I'm assuming your parents just registered you, otherwise you'd be with the D's. Lucky you're here too!" she added with another smile, "most of the people with 'D' last names are a bunch of jerks. Well, one is, Smaug Drakeson, even got a jerk's name." 

"I'll keep an eye out for him then," Kili added lightheartedly, trying to deal with the news that Fili would, in fact, be in this homeroom. 

His earlier conversation with his mom popped into his head, _I’ll er..text you if anything happens, or something_

Pulling out his phone, Kili opened a new message, 

> **K:** Ma? Something kinda happened. 

While he waited for her response, Tauriel suddenly turned to face Kili, she and Legolas had been idly chatting about, probably school or something, maybe about that Smaug kid, but something changed in her eyes. 

"Hey, Kili, do you play any sports, have any hobbies?" 

"Um, not really, I used to play soccer but I haven't played since freshman year, uhh what else? I dabble with archery, if that's a sport? And I run, but not for a team or anything, just to stay in shape." 

"Archery?! I don't think it's a sport but the school has a club! You should totally join it, I happen to know two really good, seniors on the line who happen to be the captains and are also sitting right in front of you!" 

The two of them both started laughing when Kili gave a shocked, "OH, uh sure, I'll join." 

Kee looked right at his phone when his mom answered,

> **M:** What's wrong, Kee?
> 
> **K:** Fili, mama, Fili.
> 
> **M:** How'dya mean sweetie?
> 
> **K:** He doesn't recognize me.. Doesn't know me.
> 
> **M:** I'm sorry hon, it has been a while..
> 
> **K:** I know that.. I just, it hurt. He looked me right in the eyes and didn't know me.
> 
> **M:** I have an earlier shift at the hospital tomorrow, so I'll be home early tonight. Talk to you at home? 
> 
> **K:** Sure ma, Love you.
> 
> **M:** You too.

He kept his phone on his desk after his conversation with his mom ended, and tuned into whatever Tauriel and Legolas were talking about. Occasionally he glanced down at it, just to see the time or to do something with his hands. The most recent time he did that, movement in the front of the room caught his attention, he looked up to see none other than Fili. 

Fili and his friends shoving each other and laughing, oblivious to anyone else in the room. Oblivious to him. 

* * *

 "ATTENTION!" Mr. Baggins, the both homeroom and english teacher, yelled as he stepped toward the center of the room,

"I've got important information regarding the schedule this year. Due to the sudden influx of students and sudden shift in staff, this year will not be taught in two halves, but instead by homeroom. Look around kids, these are the faces of people you will have to spend everyday of the rest of this year with. Just them and the 'R' homeroom. I know you haven't yet met them, due to the split, but all will be alright. It's a seemingly random pairing, R and O, but have faith the school knows what it's doing. You have math next, room 214. " 

And with that, the bell rang.

* * *

 

Fortunately, Aragorn and Boromir's parents always register late, so they end up in the same homeroom. Mr. Baggins' announcement changed very little of the normal day, it just meant smaller classes.

Unfortunately, there was now a group of kids that Fili, Aragorn and Boromir had never had classes with. The silver lining? It was the 'R' homeroom, which meant that Nori, the running-back on their team, was now going to be in class with them. The four of them are a killer team on the field, and now they got the opportunity to tear it up inside the school, instead of just outside it. 

The three boys walked into room 214 and immediately gravitated to the back, a row seating 4, and held it out for Nori. Fili tried to not notice where the cousins and Kili sat, but that was impossible due to their sitting in the row directly in front of the goons. Nori walked into the room, saw Fili and the guys and bolted to the back of the room. Tailing him was his, younger but genius, brother that skipped a grade or two, Ori. 

Fili had seen Ori around, he didn't much fit in, he was 16 after all, so he was out of place. But-of-fucking-course Tauriel welcomed him into her row. She couldn't help but prey on new kids, or lonely kids. Legolas shifted in a seat, so Ori sat right next to Kili. Not that it mattered. 

Everyone found their seats with ease, no fuss or anything, until the teacher walked in. Mr. Gandalf, the teacher, who, out of all the teachers in the school, causes the most trouble.  All was well until he opened his mouth,

"Students, while I admire your mirth, I am going to have to crush it. The seats have not been placed in the correct layout, and therefore the seating chart is going to change. I understand it's your senior year, so you can pick a partner, and sit with them. The seats will be placed in rows of two. Go ahead." 

Two? Two? How is Fili supposed to pick between Aragorn and Boromir? 

He didn't have time to make that choice, Nori pulled him into a seat beside himself, which took the question right out of it. Fee saw Tauriel and Legolas get up and move to the front together, leaving Kili and Ori alone, still right in front of Nori and him. Great. fantastic. 

The room was really spacious so even though Kili sat right in front of him, there was still a considerable amount of room between the rows, giving Fili the confidence to say to Nori, 

"Hey, you see that new kid?"

"Yea I did, he's all friendly with my brother, I'll take it we're giving him the usual treatment, like at practice?"

The hardness around Fili's heart softened briefly at the thought of bullying Kili, but it recovered and he decided, perhaps unwisely, that yea, maybe he should pick on him a bit. Nori bore into Ori everyday, why not? Kili abandoned him, and as long as he thought Fili didn't know him, Fili would play the part. The jock, maybe even the bully. Spread his heartbreak into Kili's heart, if he had one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was a slight reference to Captain America: The Winter Soldier in there, if you found it :D


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili and Kili talk for the first time in 11 years, there's a whole lot of heartbreak and blame spread around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't fret, Fili becomes less of a dick. I promise! Still a bit of a dick, but it's kind of explained. AND KILI. Kili is such a good person!

He can't do it.

Kili's laugh echoes from his table, over his head and dances around Fili. Whatever Nori is planning, Fili can't do it. Math is just about over, and Fili hasn't heard a single word from Gandalf, has no idea if the teacher is still in the room. All he's done for the entire period is stare at the back of Kili's head, a bit creepy, but he can't stop. 

KIli abandoned him, left him. Left a hole in his heart, and never attempted to fill it. Never tried to call... not once.. right? Thorin told him that Kili was gone, that Kili didn't want to be friends anymore... 

"Nori, listen, I changed my mind."

"What'dya mean Fili, we haven't even started yet. How can you have just a taste of this dessert, and change your mind?"

Fili made a mental note of who he hung out with. Nori is different, at practice his actions are controlled. Sure, he's ruthless on the freshmen, and sure, Fili should stand up to stop it, that hazing isn't technically allowed anymore, but the whole team does it. Who is he to stop the other 12 seniors, when he was hazed too? That's just what happens at practice, right?

_No. Fili knew he wasn't a good person, but he thought the less he tried to care about that, the less it would matter. But that's not how it works, and in his heart he knew that. In his heart, he knew it wasn't justified, this anger. The more he thought about it, the more the hatred he harbored for Kili sunk lower, deeper inside him and transformed. He hated himself, he stands by and watches pain, he does nothing. He blames others._

In class, Nori had no stops. 

 _"Hey you know that new kid?"_ and Nori jumped on it. It was _his_ fault, for not specifying his question, for not stopping Nori once his imagination started. For letting his hurt turn to anger as soon as he saw Kili. 

"Nori, come on man, just let this one go." 

He'd rolled his eyes, but Fili was certain Nori heard the message. 

Next period was free, luckily. He'd call Thorin. Thorin'll know what to do. 

* * *

Kili saw Fili jump up from behind him when the bell rang. Saw him pull his phone out of his pocket and dial before he disappeared through the door.

"Kili, you good?" Ori quietly asked, their friendship brand new and untested.

"Yea, I just, lots of confusing things going on, I guess."

"Oh, I understand that, like my being in the same math class as my horrible older brother? Things get less weird the longer you're here, I promise." 

Though not what he exactly needed at the time, hearing Ori say that soothed him. He liked Ori, their brief time together in class made him relax. Maybe it's because Ori isn't threatening. He's got a bowl cut and an oversized sweater on, over his uniform. Like a walking teddy-bear. 

"Thanks, Ori. We should catch up with Tauriel and Legolas, hang out for free, I'm not sure where to go." 

The two followed after the cousins, all four walked out into the hall and set course for the library. Ori's favorite place no doubt.

They walked down the stairs. 

Kili expected Fili and his goons, as he's started to call them in his head, to be long gone. To go beat each other up somewhere, maybe the courtyard, But... that's not what he got.

As he rounded the corner, to go toward the library, he over-heard shouting, and shortly after saw the source of the noise. 

"What do you mean? Where is this coming from! Why would you DO THAT? Thorin, THORIN..? How could you. how could you do that?" The last line was a whisper...Fili hung up the phone, shoved it into his pocket and ran his hands through his hair. His hands made fists and grabbed at his curls, then released and ran over his face. Scrubbing at it as if to cleanse it, or pull it straight off.. He then turned on his heel and walked out of the hall, and presumably out of the building. 

No one knew what to do. People from seniors to freshmen in the hall just looked around at each other. No one said anything, no one went after him. Not his goons, not Ori's brother. This was Fili, apparently, one of the senior football players, one of the popular kids... and no one cared enough about  _him_ to follow. To make sure he was alright. 

Kili's heart wretched. Whether or not this boy was still his home, whether or not this boy knew him, Kili loved him. He couldn't bear the idea of his eyes puffy and red, to see the snot dripping down his face again. His last memory of him was such, he wouldn't bear it if his first memory now was the same.

After sending a look toward his new friends, he walked to where Fili had just disappeared. 

* * *

 

 He found him quite easily. Shatteringly easy, actually. 

Kili walked out of the main doors, expecting to have to look a ways to find him, but there, at the bottom of the stairs, was Fili. Tucked into himself on the last step, teeth biting hard into a fist and the other hand placed on his neck, holding himself together, literally.

 _What happened, why did this happen?_ Kili thought as he walked down the stairs toward Fee. Unfortunately, he'd just said that aloud, unbeknownst to him.

* * *

 

Fili turned to look at the voice, and immediately shut his eyes. Clamped them shut like when they were kids, like when he was told he'd have to live with his uncle, that his parents weren't coming home. 

This was Kili.

Following after him, coming to comfort him.

His Kili, the one who abandoned him...no. The one _he_ abandoned. Believed it when Thorin said Kili was gone, wanted Fili gone. This is the Kee who held him when his parents died. The Kee who pulled a tooth out just to cheer him up, for some reason, and it had worked. Soon, it wasn't tears falling out of him, nor sorrowful shudders controlling his body, but laughter tearing its way from him, laughing so hard his body shook. This was that Kili. 

11 years later, sitting next to him on the steps of their high school. Sitting quietly next to him, in-expectant, and supportive, even after Fili threw him aside, after Fili denied their friendship with one look. 

"Kili..." Fili started.

Where would he start. How could he explain this? He isn't worth forgiving, but Kili is worth the world. 

"...Kili... I'm, I'm so sorry." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :O let me know what you think!! Please, I need feed back on how to write three-dimensional characters


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so many tears. Buckle up, this one might hurt a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this one may or may not hurt your heart. A lot of self-loathing and slow steps toward happiness.. I'm a mess, also, I'm a mess. sorry its kinda short, long chapters on their way!!

_There he was, my Fee. Finally. His golden hair, his terrifyingly blue eyes. His ever broken heart._

_He remembers me. He met my eyes and apologized, gilded boy_. 

"Why are you sorry, Fili? You've done nothing wrong by my accounts. In fact, from the sound of it, something wrong was done to you." 

His head fell into his hands, "No, no Kili, I've done so much wrong. I recognized you the instant I saw you roll up your sleeves, however long ago that was. This morning.

I was haunted, by the grief I felt when you left, and when I saw you again, I burned up. I...I burned. I couldn't look at you, wanted to erase you from me." 

"Why, Fili?" Kili felt his heart in his throat, threatening to kill him. 

"I thought you left me, I was told you didn't want me anymore, that you didn't ever love me. I'm not a good person, Kili. Nothing about me is the boy from so long ago, I was hurt and I unfolded within myself, packaging away the parts of me that reminded me of you.

I'm not a good person, by any standard and certainly not by my own. You were there and then you weren't and I believed it was because of me, was told I made you run away. I'm not.. I'm not happy. I'm worthless, wanted to make you feel the same pain I've felt for the past years. After I thought that, I realized the shell of a person I really am. That'd I'd want to make you hurt like me?" His eyes were rimmed with tears, and there was disgust in his eyes. Mixed with shock and with hatred.

But it was like he was alone on those stairs, that he was talking and only the stone building could hear him. 

Nothing above a whisper. 

"Fili"

Nothing. 

"Fili. It's okay. I'm here, Fee, I'm here." Kili looked down at Fili, his lion heart, and saw then a sight that almost broke him.

Fili was staring forward, those same haunted red rimmed eyes from so long ago, lost in himself. He looked as though every single thing he'd done in the past 11 years was a mistake. That his gravity was suddenly turned off and then shifted, he looked broken. But he mostly looked disappointed in himself.  

Kili wrapped one of Fili's arms around his shoulders and stood up, lifting him. And started home, It was only second period, but there was only two classes left in the day and Mr. Baggins was one of the teachers. He seemed kind enough. 

Luckily, Kili lived rather close to the school, so the walk home was tiring but manageable. 

He hadn't realized just how deeply Fili was wounded by him leaving. Sure, his own heart was always bleeding and permanently open because of the move, but Fili was destroyed. Kili waited everyday to see if Fili had called, had begged his mom to set up a play-date, but without warrant. The most unbearable part was that they were so close, but so so far from each other. 

* * *

 

Fili knows he's being moved, and physically supported, but he didn't come to until the support was gone. He looked around and realized he was in a house. Whose house? 

Then he saw him, Kili, getting a bottle of water from the fridge, and heading back toward him. 

"There you are." He said with a smile. Fili's heart constricted, he didn't deserve that smile. 

"Your gap is gone" is all he can manage. 

Kili's laugh should be bottled and sold because It's healing qualities have always been a phenomenon. 

"Yea, it is. I got braces when I was in 5th grade, didn't get 'em off until junior high." 

11 years really is a long time, a lot happened in that time span, and they didn't experience it together. 

"Kili, I don't know where to start.." 

"That's alright, Fee. It's not your fault, and you've been forgiven. You're forgiven before it's even been done. "

At that Fili's mouth fell open. "Please, Kili, hear me out. It is my fault. All of it." He doesn't know exactly what he's apologizing for, but he knows he's guilty of it. He realizes it's everything. He needs to apologize for everything.

"I'm apologizing for the cold look, for Nori's almost action-off my insistence- for not calling when we were little, for always needing so much from you and never giving back what was owed. I'm sorry for making you carry me here.

I'm sorry for laughing when you pulled out your tooth, for not chasing after the car when you drove away, for taking out my anger in the wrong places, for letting 11 years go by. I'm sorry for letting time pass while we weren't together." 

Kili's face changes, his nose scrunches up for a moment, and his brows furrow, deeper than usual. His ears twitch and then his face untwists, and all that's left on it is, well, frankly, adoration. His eyes close for a second, and when they re-open they're soft. Fili doesn't think he's ever seen something so beautiful. Especially directed at him. 

Kili doesn't say anything, he just lifts Fili's arm again, and tucks himself under it.

They sit like that for a while, just next to each other. Kili under Fili's arm, just sitting in silence on the couch in Kili's family room. 

That's how Dis finds them when she gets off work, asleep, holding fast to each other as if letting go or lessening the grip would separate them again, and they'd wake up alone. 


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> explanations and heart-break.. and love

Kili wakes up slowly, eyes focusing to his surroundings, taking in the bronze light cast into the room. Making everything look both ancient and warm at the same time.  _How long have I been asleep?_

In fact, he doesn't even remember falling asleep, he only remembers coming home. His heart finding home when he tucked himself under Fili's arm, and held fast.  _Fili!_

He turns to look up, to look over his shoulder, but all he sees is the fabric of the couch. His pulse starts thundering in his head, wondering if it was real, or just his broken imagination that even put Fili in his house. His palms start to sweat and he runs them through his hair, trying to pull himself awake, pull the memory from hours ago out of him. That's when he hears hushed voices in the next room, floating in from the kitchen. 

Kili stumbles off the couch and makes his way there.

Fili is sitting at their table, mug of something warm in front of him, the bronze light from the window cast over him too, making the steam from the cup look like fire and Fili's hair look like gold, real gold. 

Dis is sitting across from him, and they're engaged in a conversation, Kili can only pick up a few words form where he's standing. 

_"Yea, it has been too long."_

_"No, I don't think you should blame Thorin, I did the same"_

_"Toxic, the dependance"_

_"We thought it was the right thing. But we were wrong. Have never been so wrong in all our lives."_

That was Dis speaking, Fili slowly nodding as if absorbing her words. They both turned to face Kili as he walked into the room.

"Uh ma, sorry about skipping out of class, we had to. There was a thing and we...well it was better...to eh not be there?" That'll do it, Kili, real smooth.

"I gathered that when I walked in and saw you two on the couch. Well, more like the one of you, you guys looked melted together."

She sounded more casual than Kee thought she would, but then she continued on, 

"Fili and I have been catching up while you slept, I've called Thorin and he's on his way. Kili, I need you to understand something, before anything happens, I need you to understand this, I did what I did  _out of love._ Okay? _Love_."

"Ma, what did you do?" 

Dis hadn't time to answer, there was a sudden knock on the door, and she shuffled to answer it. Leaving Fili and Kili alone in the kitchen. 

"How was that nap, Kee?"

"Fili, when did you wake up? What time is it? What were you and my mom talking about? Why is Thorin on his way?"

Of course, because of the small size of the house and the length of Kili's questions, Fili couldn't answer them in time. Dis walked back into the room with a terrifying man. Really, he was giant. His hair was long and he wore a suit, and it looked like his personality could cut through anything. Kili suddenly understood why Fili didn't press this man growing up, why he didn't prod and annoy him to call Kili, like he had done with Dis. If this man said no, so it was. 

Kili noted that Fili visibly stiffened in his chair when he saw Thorin, understandably, no? Whatever Thorin did, and apparently his mother did, it hurt them, the boys, and Fili knew it. Kili was having a hard time piecing things together, there were too many gaps to be bridged with so little information. 

* * *

 

"Fillip."

He'd looked up to Thorin ever since he was born, Thorin was his hero. He came in a saved the boy when his parents had died, raised him tough but fair, gave him a home and a job. Gave him a future. But everything was different now. Fili had thought that when Kili moved, Thorin's push to get him out of his slump was paternal, to not want to see the boy upset. But after that phone call, after Thorin told him that he separated the boys on purpose, that he lied to him for 11 years about Kili, everything was different. 

"Thorin." 

"I understand you're upset, both of you," he said with a nod toward where Kili was seated, "just allow us the ability to state our case, to explain why." 

When silence ensued, the adults sat on the opposite side of the table and went on to explain. 

Dis started, "Thorin and I made a mistake. There's no excusing it, but here goes. You boys were attached at the hip ever since you could walk. Fili, your parents were my best friends, so when Kili and you were born, you were together everyday.

You learned to walk together, talk together, run together. But it slowly became very clear to us, myself, Thorin and your parents, that there was something different about you boys. " She went to take Kili's hand, but he withdrew it, confusion stained his face. 

Thorin added, "You two were so dependent on each other. You loved us, there's no question, but there was a _special_ love between you two. Something that was reserved for just you, something that no one could penetrate. To be frank, it scared us. You were so little, and your identities were just bringing to form, together. One of you wasn't the same if the other wasn't near. It seemed unsafe, you were close and it seemed too close." 

With that, Fili looked away. As if Thorin had slapped him across the face. A raw and burning feeling fell onto him. 

"When your parents died, it was my turn to take care of you, so when I went to find you and bring you home, I wasn't nearly shocked when Kili was in your arms. You knew, you had heard the news, but you were smiling, laughing even. Kili was bleeding and you held his tooth in your hand. The way you looked at him, it shattered me. You were 6, Fili, and you had already made a home in him. A real home, and no one could compare to that."

"You were jealous? You tore us apart out of jealousy?" 

"No, not true, though I see your perspective. You didn't need a home in _him_ , then. You needed to grieve, to grow, to learn who  _you_ were,  _without_ him." 

"You  _both_ needed that." Dis added, "Killian, when you looked at Fili, it was like you were looking at the sun. There was a smile and laugh reserved just for him. When I would bring you home, you would cry until you saw him again, and the instant you did, you changed. You couldn't be restrained, if he was in your vision, nothing was going to keep you from him. When he was sad, you were sad, and when he was happy, your own joy followed. You didn't experience emotion on your own. It wasn't normal, you two. 

When Thorin and I found you, huddled together, bloody and hysterically laughing, we knew. We knew you needed to grow, individually. I took a different job in a different town, and it was done."

Fili looked over to see Kili lean forward, and ask quietly to him mom, "ma, why? Why do that to me, to us? Why did our love hurt you so much, so much that you needed to convince us we could never see each other again... ?"

"Oh, Killian, that was never our intention. Your love didn't hurt us, it scared us. It was passionate and fire, we couldn't comprehend how two so young had the ability to express such depth. We thought distance would dull it, that you could spend summers together. Then your father went Kee, he left and I couldn't bear spending any time away from you. You were my life, it was selfish and wrong, but I needed you to love me then. I was wrecked when Vili left, I couldn't bear the thought of you leaving me, of you feeling this same pain if Fili left you." She leaned forward and grabbed Kili's hand, the look in her eyes hollow and regretful.

Thorin clearing his throat brought Fili to look at him.

"Fillip, I will never live to regret something as much as I regret this. Nor will I be able to truly live with myself, knowing I abandoned you in your own home. The years of lies and distance, I will never forgive myself. We were wrong, I was wrong. I apologize, and I understand your not needed to forgive me."

Fili closed his eyes and tried to focus on the sound of his breathing, reminding him that he was real, that this was real. He opened them again to see Thorin sitting, broken, in front of him. He knew what is was like to lose everything, to have truly nothing left in you. To wake up alone in a house and not a home. Thorin was wrong. He and Dis did a terrible thing. But...

Kili was here now. They were back together, able to breathe the same air again. He would forgive Thorin, he decided. But not yet. Not until he and Kili felt the gap in their hearts close.

* * *

Kili saw a look in Fili's eyes, forgiveness. Eventual forgiveness, and when he reached his hand over to grab Fili's, the reassuring squeeze transferred that look.  

"Ma, I can't forgive you, not yet. What you did ruined me, but I see it ruined you too. What are we, if not a family. I love you ma, always will. But there will be time to pass before I trust you. Before I forgive you, and that breaks my heart." 

Dis nodded, pressed a kiss into the hand she still held, and stood up. Thorin followed, placed a hand on Fili's shoulder and departed. 

Kili glanced at the clock above the stove, 

**7:30**

_Shit, Where did all that time go?_ Of course, that was not the first nor the last time Kili would think that. They had school tomorrow, and they did have to go. But he didn't want Fili to leave. 

"Hey Kee, let's go for a walk huh? Work through all this." 

He nodded and let Fili pull him up and out the door. 

* * *

They walked for maybe a half hour before they sat down on the curb, looking up at the sun dipping lower in the sky. Brushing the edge of the horizon, shooting an array of color out around it. Eventually falling below the tree line, bringing with it a lavender night, surrounding the boys. 

They sat about half-way between their respective houses. 30 minutes from each, if they had to guess. 

Fili spoke first, "We'll probably get detention tomorrow."

"I'm okay with that, we'll have it together."

"Tauriel and Legolas are going to want to know everything, you know."

"Yea, I know. That's okay, I don't mind explaining it. So long as we're friends, you and me. Right? School doesn't change us? We had to live apart for so long I don't think I'd handle having to pretend not to be your friend..."

"Kili, it would break my heart to try. There's nothing I have ever loved more than being your friend. Don't worry about school, we have all the same classes remember? We're gonna be able to spend every day together." 

With that he flashed Kili a smile that made his heart expand, "That's all I've ever wanted." 


End file.
